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Hate it when my finger pokes through the toilet paper mid-wipe. Other than that, I've enjoyed my first week working at the old people's home 
America is the greatest country on Earth and we'll nuke the $hit out of anyone who says otherwise.
Jesus Love You is a good thing to hear in church but a bad thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
Towel-heads are at it again.
Drop Dead Gorgeous females... Just because we want to hang out with you, doesn't mean we wanna bang you. It just means we're looking to expand our small circle of friends, and you seem like you would be a worthy candidate. No need to be stuck up.
I had a grammar once, she was good at baking cookies.
'LSD makes users lose weight' That makes sense, it's kinda hard to get to the fridge when there's a dragon guarding it.
*Gets in hammock*...*hammock instantly goes into spin cycle*...*spins into cocoon*...*completes larva process*
I can't stand the fact that people are so obsessed with this movie Frozen! They need to "Let it go...let it gooooo.
In her defense, Kellyanne Conway was misled by the toaster.
When I first noticed you from across the room, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life avoiding you.
Popeye's Chicken is offensive to guys who have ridiculously large forearms with anchors tattooed on them and really skinny girlfriends.
Doesn't matter what I'm packin' in my denim, it's what's in my genes
If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.
... the weather guy just said, "We'll keep you up to breast" instead of "abreast." Guess this heat is getting to him, too ...
No Budweisor I have not been drinking any officers tonight
a good friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend will be in there with you and a sister will stand outside the cell laughing at you
Stop trying so hard. He doesn't like you, don't kiss an a$$ if it's in the process of $hitting on you
If Facebook really wanted to shake things up, they would introduce a thumbs-down "hate" button.
BREAKING NEWS: Myspace is dead! 