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I think telling my date that "Good things come to those who wait" therefore I was going to be an hour late wasn't such a good idea. 
I can never forgive John Madden for making Frank Caliendo's career possible.
I took it to the house once, but my wife made me return it.
I don't censor my opinions for anyone!
Are you all done with your Christmas shopping? I bought a lot more people gifts this year than I thought I did. You know why? I used my credit card at Target.
A taser, but for when people try to talk about their feelings.
wait....what if the extreme cold in America is actually just Disney’s advertising campaign for Frozen?
People will trust you more if you end every conversation with, “May god be with you”
That's a lovely shade of Instagram you're wearing
I haven't seen a beatin' like that since someone stuck a banana in my pants and turned a monkey loose.
Alot of people cry when they chop onions.. The trick is to not form an emotional bond.
I dont listen, I just watch people talk.
The fleetest beast to bear you to perfection is suffering.
Note to self: Next time, don't use "continue" as the Safe Word.
Three things that I learned today:1) I'm bad at Charades 2) There are no films called 'Choking' or 'Dial 999' 3) Grandad is .. I mean, was, allergic to peanuts.
Im acraid that I nade a maitake turning off autocorrd t
You never really expect to meet your soulmate in a strip club.
Why does no one ever talk about where a bear pees?
Instead of judging people on their past, judge them on the awful decisions they make today.
"Doc, you gotta help me I'm under so much stress. I keep losing my temper." "Tell me about your problem." "I just did, you f*¢king moron!" 