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In school I was always the teachers pet. I was like a pet cat though. They just woke me up when it was time to eat. 
We should start a cult. You know, for tax purposes.
I don't think the American people will ever unite and get along.
Do you know why it's mandatory for female paratroopers to wear pants ? It's to prevent them from whistling on their way down.
Ted Cruz likes porn.
Twitter is going to 280 characters? That is so awesome, T rum p can now piss off twice as many people.
Just Thinking Again: Children in third world countries are now sporting brand new 2017 world series champion Dodgers apparel.
Now it makes sense why the White House refuses to co-operate with the trial.
Back in 11th grade, a guy bugged me about his getting 10 times more girls than I got. I didn't care since 10x0 was still 0.
Lets send the coronavirus tiger to Carole Baskin
You're traveling thru another dimension. A dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of dough, ricotta and mozzarella. Your next stop, the Twilight Calzone.
Wonder if the cure to the Coronavirus can be found in the Tupperware container in the back of my refrigerator?
Mama, don't let your babies grow up to be looters. Because the mamas who let their babies grow up to be cowboys are gonna have them kick your babies' sorry a$$es.
I called the book store and asked for some new book I had heard about on improving one's s€x life. The clerk said, "I'm not sure if it's in yet." I go, "Yep, that's the one!"
Fun Fact: In the year 2020, 4/20 will be an entire month.
Plaid shirt guy for 2020!
Everytime I do something dumb, I just remind myself that at least I don't believe in a imaginary guy named 'Q' who can do anything in this world. That always makes me feel better.
Friends are like boobs. Some are big, some are small, and some are fake.
"We do not consider Melania's speech to be plagarism....As there was no intent to plagarism" - FBI Director Comey
New Job For Kellyanne Conway: Crypt Keeper from Tales from the Crypt. 