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Rise and shine Billie Joe Armstrong... It's October! 
Ive not seen such a guilty face since I finished my jigsaw of O J Simpson
An elephant is a mouse built to government specifications.
IDK what it is about gum, but I suddenly feel so much sassier when I chew it!!
homework: this is your last warning, if you keep coming here I'm filing a restraint order
Don't dig your grave with your own knife and fork.
The only stimulating book I want to read is "50 Shades of Gravy"
I am only writing this so people wont think I'm loney while sitting at the bar by myseld....
hahahahahahahahaha=very funy hahahahaha=funny haha=not that funny
When you break something at the store and nervously walk away!
hope they have a white castle day so I can express how much I hate paying for gas.
You know your getting old when "breaking the seal" means opening a bottle of Ibuprofen
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend.
Some relationships are like Tom & Jerry. They tease each other, knock down each other irritate each other but can't live without each other.
Reports from the delivery room say it was actually pretty sweet the way baby Lorenzo was already teaching Snooki to read.
I wonder what you are doing when you are not too busy running around naked in my dreams.
She said I was never "romantic". I said just two words. "Morning. Wood."
hope the USA lands another toy car on a planet this weekend to cover up the humilating 6th place in the Paralympics
Before lying to me, ask yourself this: when was the last time an ax was held over my head?
The company that made the Tupac hologram is filing for bankruptcy. The announcement was made by a company spokesperson — Elvis Presley. 