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I've finally tried Turkish Delight...it was good, but not "betray my family to the White Witch" good.... 
They say women dress for women and undress for men, whereas I dress for my pets and undress for joggers.
I just invented a new game in the office called “I can guess what your new year resolution will be” but fat people don’t want to play :(
"In my defense Your Honor, I thought she had been stung by a jellyfish." - R. Kelly
That moment when your pushing the front door, when clearly the door label says pull.
You want to look through my medicine cabinet? Fine. Just don't look through my nightstand.
The Year??.. 2033,, The year is 2047, After a series of mergers and acquisitions,, The Doritos Locos McWhopper Chipotle Latte Wrap, has become the only source of nutrition
Women say they love nerds until you whip out your Pokemon cards.
I'm just a boy, standing in front of a closed fast food chains drive thru, partially nude, weeping and screaming for buttermilk ranch sauce
when someone tells me I can't do something, I try 100% harder to prove them wrong.
surprisingly, saying “Girl, you look good, won't you back that thang up, You'se a fine motherlover, won't you back that thang up” has not gotten me as much tail as you might think…
I don't get why the Grammy's are such a big deal. I mean, who wants to see a bunch of old women on TV??
Can't sleep. I'm too thinky and not enough sleepy..
I fall, I rise, I make mistakes, I live, I learn, I've been hurt but I'm alive. I'm human, I'm not perfect but I'm thankful.
I didn't leave the house all day yesterday and the forecast for today is ceilings
"Don't worry! I won't kill you!" is not a good pickup line when you meet a woman while jogging.
I am tired of hearing: is it hot enough for you. No really it's not.. can you hold an acetylene torch to my face please, Thanks, at this point I want to smell my flesh burning. . .
The Royal Baby is already promised to marry into the Lannister family.
I wonder if sex thinks about me as much as I think about sex
Phillip is cryin a River after that Texan sized ass whoopin 