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There once was a man from Nantucket, whose name was Dave. Real nice guy. Gave me some great directions on how to get to Applebee's. 
I once thought I'd found my soul mate. Weed is funny like that.
Taco bell now serves breakfast. America is truly a magical place.
people who ask to try out your glasses then get their fingerprints smudged on them are the reason Jesus disappeared from ages 12 to 30.
If you love something... set it free. Maybe not dogs with rabies, though.
I'm convinced you're an idiot but I can tell you're not aware of this information.
I bet global warming is caused by all the baby boomer women hitting menopause.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Thank God I still have a few days left to achieve my goal of “going to the gym in 2014.”
Trying out a new diet. It's called "hungry as fcuk all the time."
This Pizza Hut is so stupid. They just keep yelling, "SIR WHAT'S YOUR EMERGENCY?!?!" over and over.
The refs in the NFL are throwing a ridiculous amount of flags these days. Pro football is now metaphorically considerd "flag football."
Sex and Coffee. What more is there?
American Word Of The Day: Hoochie. My girl found another girl's number in my phone and yelled, "Tell me hoochie is, before I stab you!"
People ask me why I don’t have any tattoos and I respond with, would you put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari?
"I now pronounce you, "husband and what the hell did I just do..."
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club,,, but I’d never met herbivore.... *gets pulled off the stage by a giant cane*
If I had to describe myself in 3 words... I don't know.
I'm an adult, but not "pay my bills on time" adult.
In a perfect world, men would get the silent treatment anytime they requested it. 