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when people ask me if they are twins, Isay" no triplets", and I FREAK OUT and start looking for the missing one. 
I like to like things on facebook I don't like so I can unlike them.
I was gonna play "Got your Nose" with one of my annoying coworkers the other day. But we couldn't cause she put her nose where it normally is- in our Boss's @ss.
The worst thing that can ever happen to a hangover is a call from your mother.
ou know you're lazy when you don't have any clean bowls so you eat cereal off a plate.
there's nothing wrong with crying ..unless you're a guy
TSA has announced Nude scanning . Now women have to diet not only for swim wear but going to the airport too!
The very moment I can imagine a really hot girl taking a dump, is the very second I'm no longer attracted to her
The scoreboard reads Manchester United - 8 Arsenal - Who?
Sometimes when an attractive woman starts talking to me I forget how to speak and just start doing lunges.
D*CK-RID·ING² [dik,rahy-ding] - noun. The Act of Continuously OVER-praising an individual, with intentions of being noticed.
if you don't have a job on Labor day, celebrate by finding a job.
Yesterday it was fish, shrimp, and crabs. Tonight I'm just fishing for compliments.
Dear U.S. Government, I was just wondering if I can get my tax return in advance. I would use my credit cards but theyr'e maxed out and I am currently unemployed. Regards, everyday U.S. citizen.
Trophies aren't meant to be put on a shelf, so sometimes I let my wife leave the house just to show off a little.
Yes! schools are closing b/c of bad weather damn I forgot I have online Class???
If she's the best I've ever had, then she's the best I've had yet.
took an Ambien and a laxative before going to bed....i'll let you know who won in the morning.....
You must be this -^- tall to ride the Rapture!
Its my policy never to date people who just broken up coz the chances of them going back to their ex are too great to ignore leaving me all alone looking like a schmuck. 