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The man on a date always wonders if he'll get lucky but te woman already knows 
I checked out a dating site. That famous "ugly stick" sure has been busy.
Who needs a ladder, when you have a chair...and some toes.
thinks Mondays should be banned from the calendar.
decided to live forever ..................... or die in the attempt.
Hangovers: the wrath of grapes.
my Sunday coupons are now bilingual, and it didn't even give me the option to press 1 for English.
We live in a world in which politics has replaced philosophy.
Dropping the fish I had for lunch off at the pond
There's nary an animal alive that can outrun a greased Scotsman. - Groundskeeper Willie
I have an oven with a 'stop time' button. It's probably meant to be 'stop timer' but I don't touch it, just in case...
I just tricked a vegan into reading "Chicken Soup for the Soul"
Its my day to protect and Serve. Protecting the donuts and serving the coffee is my specialty.
I am now home from what would have been a hard day had I done any work
Mmmmm..ice cream sandwiches....i feel like such a tool though after chasing the ice cream truck screaming "wait, ice cream man"!
think wisely before you open ur mouth!!
lying on lawn, waiting for Google Earth to take a photo of him.
Never end a sentence with a preposition. Incorrect: Thongs crack me up. Correct: Thongs up me crack.
Less work. More aholic.
My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ! 