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She's not a ‘stop-along-the-way' She's my destination. 
Aah cute! A little spider crawling on my screen...RIP little one
She keeps complaining that I always do her with socks on.. I suppose wearing a condom would be better...
Some people don't need an "Easy" button, they need a "STFU" button.
I just gave Gatorade to my neighbor's horse...it's been running in circles for 2 hours
I'll date anyone who isn't an idiot, hints the reason I'm still single.
Don't you think it's time we stopped blaming our problems on people in our past and started blaming them on people in the future?
Hang on sugar.... Daddys got a sweet tooth tongiht!!!
Don't you just hate it when people think there clever but use the wrong grammar?
Taking a test at school: My answer is Yes. If yes please explain...my answer is No
The sex was getting really hot...until he pulled out his Yoda pillow...
I never feel my day is complete, until one of my fb friends is having a worse day than I. Even if I have to be the cause of it.
I beleive we should all pay our taxes with a smile. I tried................ but they wanted cash !
The only thing more stressful than a blind date is meeting a new drug dealer for the first time
Facebook just suggested that I "like" the exact beer brand I'm drinking right now. Currently searching my home for hidden cameras and plotting my escape.
Unbelievable. Rodney King has to die before the world found out he owned a pool.
Two Facebook addicts walk into a bar. One turns to the other and says.................NOTHING,, cause he's just staring down at his phone
When covertly referencing your bathroom necessities, instead of using 'number 1 or number 2', we should say "I have to R2D2 or C3peeO"
Someone just used my dead end street to turn around and now I'm standing outside with two open beers and a lonely face :(
MY Grocery Store is so environmetally conscience it doesnt give paperbags anymore- jsut plastic...OH but they still havent figured out howNOT to give a 3 ft receiept for buying jsut a loaf of bread!!!!!!!!!!!!! 