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I was an atheist until I realized I was a sex god 
Sext: 'Ride me harder, baby. Harder' Me: 'I'M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?'
hmmm....the red nose? the flying? aiding in transporting? and nervousness? Its obvious Rudolph has a cocaine problem.
Happy labor day to all the moms out there....oh, you mean that's not what it means?
Alcohol + Taylor Swift + Drugs = Ke$ha
Don't think we didn't notice you deleted your status when no one liked it
youtube is red, facebook is blue, I'm so lonely with nothing to do
i bought all my Grandma's friends at the nursing home Ouija boards for Christmas so we can keep in touch in the New Year.
If you're having a weird pain today remember, tons of people die from that stuff all the time.
To all those who will received a book from me as a Christmas present this year....They are due back at the library in 2 days.
I shall only address vegan lesbians as "salad fingers"from now on.
Children are just little a$$holes waiting to grow up to be bigger a$$holes.
A woman is only sexy until she becomes a wife.
I like my women like I like my chinese food.... steamy, hot, and lots of doggie
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, call your ex.
CNN reported that Bruce Jenner got back ended yesterday....I also heard something about a car crash....;-)
We just bought a parrot. Named it Marco Rubio.
I nicknamed my urethra, Franklin.
Why do bible thumpers worry about gays? It's not even in the top 10 of the commandments.
I look like the drummer from Def Leppard when I take myself to pound town. 