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i bought all my Grandma's friends at the nursing home Ouija boards for Christmas so we can keep in touch in the New Year. 
If you're having a weird pain today remember, tons of people die from that stuff all the time.
To all those who will received a book from me as a Christmas present this year....They are due back at the library in 2 days.
I shall only address vegan lesbians as "salad fingers"from now on.
Children are just little a$$holes waiting to grow up to be bigger a$$holes.
A woman is only sexy until she becomes a wife.
I like my women like I like my chinese food.... steamy, hot, and lots of doggie
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, call your ex.
CNN reported that Bruce Jenner got back ended yesterday....I also heard something about a car crash....;-)
We just bought a parrot. Named it Marco Rubio.
I nicknamed my urethra, Franklin.
Why do bible thumpers worry about gays? It's not even in the top 10 of the commandments.
I look like the drummer from Def Leppard when I take myself to pound town.
It's so cold out that politicians have their hands in their own pockets for a change!
i wonder if the Pillsbury Doughboy has a Facebook account &when his friends "poke" him he makes the little noise like in the commercials
My old VHS s ex tape is probably at some garage sale somewhere labeled "Crocodile Dundee II"
I've had an awesome life and I still haven't needed to use algebra. Who was the a-hole who made up a useless subject like this to be tested in on is school, did I mention they were an a-hole. . .
I bet Mike Rowe from Dirty Jobs has a crapload of W2s
how come there’s nothing in the bible about people who step on the back of your shoe then it comes off? christianity is okay with that?
Why Do Women Wear Floral panties? In Loving Memory Of All The Faces That Have Been Buried Down There. 