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We were not created! We evolved! Religion is for people who can't comprehend such a thing. 
I got recognized once. It was at my friend's house. He was all, "Hey, you really should call first." So cool.
The iPhone 5 better be waterproof, fireproof, crack proof, dirt proof, bulletproof, and be able to charge itself and cook for me.
tried to kill a spider by drowning it, but it looked at me and asked, "Where's the soap?"
our brain is divided into 2 parts (i.e) left and right...there's nothing right at the left side and nothing left in the right side...
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
The store keeps calling me to come back and buy more bedroom furniture, but all I really wanted was one night stand.
The only acceptable excuse for not being drunk on a Saturday night should be poverty.
I wonder where women without thigh gaps put their hands when it’s really cold.
Nicki Minaj sits in front of a mirror, slowly removing her makeup to reveal Ja Rule. A single tear rolls down his cheek.
Apparently Ariel Castro recently changed his Facebook status to 'Swinger' and now he wont return my phone calls!
Holy Water Recipe: Boil the "Hell" out of it!!
She walked into the bar like she owned the place. She was like, very concerned with potential health and fire code violations. It was weird
I was an atheist until I realized I was a sex god
Sext: 'Ride me harder, baby. Harder' Me: 'I'M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?'
hmmm....the red nose? the flying? aiding in transporting? and nervousness? Its obvious Rudolph has a cocaine problem.
Happy labor day to all the moms out there....oh, you mean that's not what it means?
Alcohol + Taylor Swift + Drugs = Ke$ha
Don't think we didn't notice you deleted your status when no one liked it
youtube is red, facebook is blue, I'm so lonely with nothing to do 