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wondering why I can put my "two cents in" but I only get "a penny for my thoughts." I suspect I might be getting ripped off... 
listen up men, you should know that the only way to deal with a female adversary is to seduce her. This time we are sure she's a woman, right?
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
The smoke alarm just went off....dinners ready!
I run 3-4 miles a day being a crook keeps me in shape... Cops are on the way ttyl!!
thinkin'....HEY! Guy on the Orajel commercial...Orajel is not to be substitued for seeing an 'actual' dentist....if your tooth is achin' for that long... it's probably rotting out of your mouth...and you might need to get that checked out....
I believe theirs more than one way to skin a cat!!! but the cat wont like any one of them
The Only Crimson Tide A Longhorn Fan is Afraid of Comes Once A Month From His Wife Or Girlfriend!
ok men, you want us women to be more like you...righ after you let me pull a bowling ball out of your azz. Now tip the valet and shut up.
illegal touching, number 7 Offense.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
LIKE if you know someone who needs a smack in the face with a shovel.
Time is not wasted, when your wasted all the time" ~Benjamin Franklin (I think.)
(づ▶__◢)づ︻┳デ═一 say YOLO one more time.
Statistically speaking, roughy 118% of all people over-exaggerate.
My will stipulates that I'm to be buried with an air pump so that I can inflate my underground enemies during any wild games of Dig Dug.
*When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick*
When a deaf person sees me yawn, do they think I'm screaming?
Hallmark, I'll go 50/50 on this card with you: "Moisten your inbox, baby; this Valentine's coming in hard."
Life is sexually transmitted. 