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Get a “Head Start” on the day… Oral sex first thing in the morning! 
Being fat is a constitutional right..take that Mrs. President
I'm a big guy. I hate going shopping and the only I can find that fits is cologne.
12 gold hoops, 11 fake uggs, 10 richmond kingsize, 9pm curfew, 8 snotty noses, 7 different dads, 6 grams of sniff, 5 sovereign rings, 4 stolen rims, 3 ASBOs, 2 many beers and a brand new S.T.D.
If you ran as much as your mouth did, you'd be in great shape...
Alright, buddy, stop scrolling, its time to wipe that as$
Don't worry and stress too much over material things. Material things are good to have but they aren't everything. Have you ever seen anyone stuff a Bentley or a mansion in their casket and take it to Heaven?
Sometimes when I'm sad I cry into my Brita filter. Turning each teardrop into an uplifting refreshing beverage.
Men know everything - all of them - all the time - no matter how stupid or inexperienced or arrogant or ignorant they are
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce you: deleted and blocked. You may now kiss my A$$ !
Roses are Red...Bacon is also red...Poem is Hard. Bacon.
Knock on your neighbors door and ask if they've seen your cat. When they say no pull your cat out of your pocket and make the introductions.
I hate arrogant people who think no one but themselves.They're like criminals.
Hey North Korea. Do you even lift bro?
Wouldn't be surprised if Whoopi Goldberg's ass hairs are also dreadlocked.
Right now there is a mayan somewhere out there yelling "SIKE"
Remember, if you're in public and have the winter vomiting bug, be polite and vomit into your elbow.
The irony of my phone trying to autocorrect "nutrition" into "burrito" is not at all lost on me.
Men stand up to get knocked down - woman lie down to get knocked up!
Judging by the empty seats at Dolphin's games, football is doomed in Miami. Time to realize it's soccer and thug roundball city down there. Will the last American to leave Miami please bring the goalposts? 