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I don't get why all my drug dealers are so unreliable? 
This Sunny D tastes like I can't afford orange juice.
Dear people that still clip your phone to your belt.......stop.
Does February March? No, but April May.
How did taking in refugees work for the native Americans? Dont ever forget that
Yo Obama! I'm really happy for you, I'ma let you finish but Bush's hanging of Saddam was the best killing of all time. Of all time!!
says I've Got Nothing Against Mohammed or Allah...It's His Fan Club I Can't Stand
A Prius just tried to race me from a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 150 feet, but I can only walk so fast.
Did you know you that you don’t have to put every meal you eat on Instagram? You can just eat it.
New FB Idea...a Middle finger button! Who's with me?...
As an adult, I use nunchucks way less than I expected.
Scientists can't decide if eggs are bad for you, how many planets we have, or how old the Earth is....let alone what began the universe. Based on their lack of consistency and plausibility, I'm going with the God theory.
Hotel showers have 2 settings. It's either "gently peeing on you" or "DEAR GOD, THIS IS GOING TO RIP MY NIPPLES OFF!"
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I'd still be like, "aww."
Apparently, the biatch at my wife's job was being such a biatch today because something, something,,,, we hate her.
A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth
Does anybody else have a plastic bag full of other plastic bags in their house or is it just me???
Nice cowgirl boots. I bet you do alot of Ranchy stuff in those Hollister jeans!
Okay, admit it. You're secretly hoping Justin Bieber does his Paul Walker impersonation.
Man, however, is the most courageous animal: hence he overcame every animal. With playing and brass he has so far overcome every pain; but human pain is the deepest pain. 