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If you can read this, you need to stop stalking me on facebook 
Diagonally Parked in a Parallel Universe
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.
if you wake up with as bitter taste in your mouth on christmas day, at least you'll know that santa came!
"You don't have to send your mother anything today, we already paid her enough." - Gay dad
I love mustache, rides.
Highways need 4 lanes per side - A NASCAR wannabe lane, a normal driver lane, an old people who drive 40 in a 70 lane, and a "Where in the hell am I?" lane.
Boy: "Are those space pants? Cause your a** is outta this world" Girl: "No, they are softball pants, & this a** is outta your league
It's beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
If you want rant and rave go elsewhere, this is for funny material... or I'll hold you down and fart in your mouth.
Facebook should have a limit to the amount of times you can change your relationship status, after three changes, it should default to "UNSTABLE".
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day... give a woman a compliment and he can 'eat' for a week.
It's just amazing how much has changed since we got bin Laden.
if swimming is great exercise, explain whales to me?
if you don't want to be a full time daddy put that thing on your pants
Hey Harry Potter fans: If you stay to the end of the credits, there is a footage of J.K.Rowling rolling around in a pile of money, then snorting it.
Facebook looks so boring on the outside. But once you start using it, IT'S LIKE NARNIA BRO!
Looks like the redneck twins have lost their jobs and girlfriends to Mexicans and black guys again. So brace yourselves for more r@cial backlash.
Every morning I long to hold you, I need you, I want you, I love your warmth... your smell, your taste... Ohhh coffee I love you. Good Morning!
I don't blame Mexicans for boarder hopping. We did something subliminally messed up to them. When we were creating our country, just above Mexico, we created a state called New Mexico. Now what Mexican wouldn't want to check that out? 