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I didn't tie the knot until I was in my thirties... To this day, I still struggle with shoelaces! 
I won't consider myself successful until someone follows me around with a cooler of gatorade to dump over my head whenever I win at anything.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
They say women only use 10% of their anger
It's tax time. I switched to a new tax guy and I think he's fantastic. He wants me to establish my full-time residence in Syria.
NASA is currently recruiting people for their rest studies program in which participants will be paid $18,000 to spend 70 days in bed and smoke different types of marijuana. so far, they've had 1 billion applicants.
The World Origami Championship has been won by a man from The Philippines, known simply as The Manilla Folder.
Welcome to Facebook. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
**Blood-curdling scream** Dinner's ready.
I do not want to get the Coronavirus that’s why I switched to Modelo
If your dog understands several human words and you don't understand any dog barks, then your dog may be smarter than you...
It's raining it's pouring and.......I never claimed to be a poet.
I'll start worrying about a virus just as soon as the Germans make one. Nothing made in China is going to put me down.
One day we'll all be just a memory in people's lives, the trick is to make sure you do everything humanly possible to be a good memory.
By, The cashier at Chipotle
I'm praying... that those who bought up all the water and TP get the Coronavirus first, and experience it in it's most severe form.
The World Health Organization came out today and said that dogs are immune from the COVID-19 virus, and that any dogs that have been placed in quarantine can be released. So to be clear....WHO let the dogs out.
I got the bread and mi....I mean toilet paper and handy wipes!
When artificial intelligence surpasses the intelligence of mankind, mankind will become less and less intelligent until society itself ceases to exist.
Well look at the bright side, we've been practicing isolating ourselves from my friends ever since they created Facebook.
Day 3 of my self quarantine. I just ate the cat. 