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"If playing golf is exercise, then why aren't there driving ranges in health clubs? 
Valentine's Day. The only day of the year the guy with the smallest package gets the girl.
I know I’m getting old when playing the stock market is more fun than playing a video game
Worked on our taxes last night. We are getting $867 thousand dollars from federal and we owe the state $966 thousand dollars. Anyone have the number to H&R Block??
My father always said The sky's the limit! Which now that I think about it might be why he lost his job at NASA?
A good pick up line to use on a pregnant woman is "Got room for one more in there?"
As you get older you quit looking towards the future And find yourself longing for the Pasture
Sleeping In A Car By Age: 12 And Under: Very cool 13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal 18+: Uh-Oh
PESSIMIST : Someone who can look at the land of milk and honey, and see only calories and cholesterol !
Dove chocolates taste way better than their soap
Q.What does Pete Buttigieg have in common with a successful circumcision? A. They're both little off sawed off peckers.
Chalkboards are a remarkable invention.
I am not setting a bad example...I am the perfect example of what not to do!
With Burger King's new commercial of the Whopper growing mold I guess I won't be saving them anymore for the next 34 days.
I went to see a child psychologist the other day... But really, what can a nine-year-old tell me?
I always thought laughter was the best medicine...which is probably why so many of my patients died and I bombed out of med school.
A guy broke into our apartment last week.. He didn't take the TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels
I'm the perfect man, if you don't factor in looks, depth of character, emotional availability, intelligence or financial well being.
Hundreds of employees of Weight Watchers are complaining about the company's low wages. The employees said, "They're paying us peanuts. By the way, they're only six points per serving."
The Number 1 reason that prospective applicants are rejected from the show "The Bachelor" is herpes. Apparently, you can't get on the show if you don't have it. 