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If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure. 
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven't. it's destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends. me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity o
[teaching teen to drive] Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie. Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat? Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
Relationship advice: Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
If your ever feeling unloved and unwanted where no one calls or text you anymore, let me give you a word of advice I gave to a friend that instantly fixed her problem, which is check to make sure your phone isn't in airplane mode.
just found out the guy I'm dating is married. wild. I always just thought he was doing a bad borat impression.
If you see me talking to myself just ignore it. I'm self employed and we're having a staff meeting...
Me: What do you want to do tonight? Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and — Me: *already asleep*
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation. I think about this often.
: A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Need a math nerd to solve problem:I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch
All I'm saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don't we run more things on toilet power?
Guy: I'm an organist Me: what you got against organs?
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Okay, I can't take it anymore. What in the heck holds the blocks up in Mario Brothers?
I wonder if spiders get as ticked off as I do when I walk through their webs.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
All I'm saying is never trust a towel that's not hanging in it's normal place when you get out of the shower...
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building. 