Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
The secret to contentment: my unmatched socks don't care into what dimension their partners were sent by the dryer. They just wish them well. 
Shout out to the guy in the Beamer who gave me the finger for honking and waving at him. Your cell phone is on the roof of your car!
have you noticed ..not a single girl used face app
Trying a store brand version of Frosted Flakes which I just have to say are GRRRRRRRRRoss!
There's a good NOVA documentary on Netflix about black holes that will just suck you in.
"Woah woah hey woah" [me attempting to breakup a fight]
Not Smoking anymore. I Put My Food In The Microwave And Entered My Pin Number
parents nowadays: video games are too violent parents from history times: c'mon kids, let's go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me. If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into prison guard: no talking after lights out
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
"My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college" #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Some things are better left unsaid Tequila - No they're not
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
When I was a kid, staring at a wall used to be considered a punishment.
Sucks how parents can't name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Me and the person reading this have decided to quit alcohol.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light. He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete. 