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Dinner by candlelight: for her it's romantic, for me it's about shadow puppets. 
When I meet a woman, I don't care where she works, what she likes to eat, who she's been dating or been married to. I wanna know if we start seeing each other, how long before I no longer have to hold in my f@rts.
FOUND CAT: Orange tabby found off River rd. yesterday,,, Approximately 8 lbs,,, No collar,,, Tasted like chicken. .. Please call 892-****
If you're not my friend, click like then copy and paste this on your timeline. If we're truly friends, do nothing. I'd never insult your intelligence with such a ridiculous command.
A Perfect New Campaign Slogan: Make America Horny Again.
I hope someday to be described as that small, quiet man, who could be found regularly foraging for supplies in the liquor store/gas station.
This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Can I have another? I'd like to bring a guest.
Gum without the commitment: Mentos.
Preparing for old age by sitting on a bench watching construction workers lay cement. This will be my joy one day.
Don't Tell The Kids #1: But the monster is under their bed because it refuses to pay rent for a full room.
.... My Nuclear option to try to calm things down in the heat of passion .... is to think of Hillary ...... But only when absolutely necessary ... Cuz I don't want to become permanently sterile.
Just flew in, and boy are my arms tired from punching the reclined seat in front of me.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it and I deserve better.
Status: Took vitamins in place of working out today.
Why is it that every relationship with the best sex also comes with drama and domestic violence?
Not unlike jury duty, every American eventually gets a letter in the mail indicating that it's their turn to feud with Taylor Swift.
If you tweet as a couple and split up, she gets custody of all the followers. That's the way it works. He might get a RT on weekends.
There's nothing quite like that moment when your toddler comes for a cuddle, looks deep into your eyes, and sneezes directly into your face.
Legally you can add your name to the cast of any IMDB entry as long as you end it with "(uncredited)".
I want a Matthew McConaughey Lincoln commercial mixed with a Wild Turkey commercial where he's just wasted driving around talking to himself. 