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Dogs act pretty tough for someone who's afraid of cotton balls. 
94% sure that the band Live still holds the record for singing about placenta in the opening of a song.
What's up with Hillary and all her doctor evil jackets? Oh wait.. It makes sense.
Say what you want about Bernie Sanders, I always wonder if he is related to KFC's Colonel Sanders?
Thinking about being the President. But my wife, Melania, said she wouldn't want to move into a much smaller house.
Siri, bring me a delicious cheesecake and tell my food journal to log it as a veggie burger.
My hobbies include reciting the side effects of artificial sweeteners during meals and maintaining a robust dislike of everything around me.
My vegetable garden is not doing very well this summer according to this cease and desist letter I received from the city.
FYI: "I just watched the new Snooki music video" is not a valid excuse to call in sick.
Having fun driving the OCD girls on FB crazy who poke back in a nano second and will keep doing it till I stop.
It's not the heat, it's the humidity...That's just dumb, and it shows your stupidity!
Lindsay Lohan already registered her unborn baby in AA.
If the moon is made of cheese why aren't stars made of crackers?
I'll see you and your popcorn ceiling in Hell!!!
Last date I had she got KFC grease on my car seats.
Bad things to assume where my Facebook political rant is really gonna shake things up with this election.
If not for anything else I'm surprised my future self hasn't come back in time to furiously shake his head at me.
Instead of 'President' , I think Barack would have been way better in the role of 'The Wiz'
The More You Know: Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Jill Stein and Jenny McCarthy walk into a bar. They spend the entire night trying to talk people out of doing shots. 