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Today I watched Sean Spicer try to defend his boss's ridiculous positions. Later I saw a moose lick his own junk for five minutes. I'm not sure whether Spicer or the moose acted with more shamelessness. 
I need to lose weight. Baskin-Robbins just called my mom and told her because of me they're down to only 5 flavors.
A man cheats on his girlfriend named Lorraine with a girl named Clearly. Suddenly, Lorraine dies. At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, “I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone.”
Obama did so much for blacks, More free food and more free housing. Just what your fat white baby momma wanted.
People sometimes confuse deal-making skills with having enough money to bully the little guys into doing what you want.
Devin Nunes is also sorry: 1) He told your abusive husband where you were hiding. 2) You were born poor. 3) He didn't ask Vlad for more cash.
Who needs health insurance when this current administration makes you want to die every half hour on the hour?
I met a woman on a date last night , and I don't think it'll work out , she said she's a weekend heroin user. If she can't commit to Heroin, what kind of wife material is she really ?
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn't do anything I just make really poor life choices.
I never calculate a risk before I take it.
How we'll truly know when the economy has rebounded: When Reggae bands go back to hiring guys whose only job it is to dance.
I miss the days when microwave espionage was the dumbest thing this administration had to say.
When I give my cat leftover cat food from the refrigerator he looks at me like I just asked him for a ride to the airport.
Watching the news is like playing Clue. So how do you think Flynn's going to die? Bannon in the bathroom with a needle.
Buckwheat was asked to use dictate in a sentence. "Darla say my dictate good"
All voicemails from my Dad start with "HELLO! HELLO!" and end with him trying to dial another number.
A Baby Whirlpool Bathtub "With a calming whirlpool and massaging bubbles, your infant will enjoy a luxurious spa experience at home!" (Hey, you never know when a 5 month old may need to unwind.)
Hillary and Barry Obama are going to have matching ankle braclets after federal prison.
I received some good financial news today Muntabe, the African kid I was sponsoring was eaten by a lion
I can't believe that United Air offered passengers $800.00 and a hotel stay to give up their seat and not one took them up on it. 