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I think it's time I go outside and pretend I'm putting up Christmas lights I never took down from last year. 
"With great b( . )( . )bs comes great responsibility".
I overheard two people at work talking something about removing stubborn fat. Look, I know I could stand to lose a few pounds, but that's no reason to call me that name and try to get me fired.
If you want to know if Santa has you on his “nice” list,, or his “naughty” list,, Just ask Russia,,, and they'll just hack it for you.
I just found out that my wife is actually Mrs. Santa Claus!! At least that's what my kids tell me.
Sitting in a busy parkink lot tooting my horn when I see someone pressing their remote looking for their car.
Something going viral just means more idiots have seen and liked it.
Gold, frankinsence and myrrh. I may not be as wise as the 3 Wise Men, but I would have brought the baby Jesus a Lite Brite.
I slept with this girl, and in the morning I asked her if she wanted breakfast in bed. She said one pig in the blanket was enough.
The man who discovered copper died penniless
If you can't handle me at my drunk,...join the crowd.
my beer never tells me it has a girlfriend.
What are nudes? Someone show me.
So like, you know that tag on a mattress that says "Not to be removed under penalty of law?" Well guess what I just did? I don't care man, I'm a rebel. They can come and get me.
I need to lose weight. When I sweat, I'm like a side of pork basting in its own juices.
Always borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back. ~ Steven Wright
Frankly auto correct... i'm getting really tired of your shirt
The truth is, I find it very stressful that Smokey the Bear thinks that I'm the only one that can prevent forest fires. I don't feel trained for this, and I certainly didn't sign up for the position.
Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.
It is in the best interest of the United Sates to have better relations with Russia because Russian women are HOT!!!! 