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I just changed my voicemail greeting to “Seriously?” 
No one believes your brand new Cubs hat.
The bouncers at all the bars in my town call me Macaulay Culkin because I always go home alone..
No, she is a good woman. However, I don't agree with everything Hillary Clinton stands for or everything she says. Not everything... Not me personally no. -Janet Reno
I've only drank once since I quit drinking an hour ago
Hey .... Anybody know the name of a good Psychiatrist? .... Whoah ... For the loser .... Not for me!! ... The Loser of the American Presidential election.
Well it's official; Reality TV has completely destroyed America
I don't know whether to be angry with or jealous of my facebook friends who seem to have absolutely zero idea that an election took place.
Anyone want to bet we dont see much out of BLM anymore?
I'm a simple man, I see titties I click
I just introduced a guy wearing a hoodie with shorts, to a guy wearing a vest... They're fighting... Umm Wait,, That's actually making out, they're making out.
My favorite dinosaurs were the carbivores... You never hear about them because they went extinct before the others,,, You know cuz,, like all the gluten and such...
#Life tip: if someone comes out of a #bathroom sweating, do not go in that bathroom.
May your clothes be comfy. your coffee strong and your Monday short.
Just saw a bumper sticker saying, "My Lab is smarter than your Honor Student" I may not be worldly, but I have never seen an Honor Student jump from an open car window and chase a squirrel through a busy intersection.
With a great @$$ come a lot of eyeballs
One of the crappiest jobs in the world has to be a fruit stand vendor in an action movie..
My Gf .. It's all waxed, polished and ready for tonight....now for the car
My personal trainer says that I need to start eating healthier. I guess this means I have to start adding lettuce & tomato to my burgers
We might be best friends for life, but if we get chased by zombies, I will probably trip you. :) 