Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
You're not a serious fashionista until you break a toe in new sexy high heels for the sake of your craft. 
My stomach hurts. Maybe this giant bag of Skittles will help...
Prefers a scientific approach to parenting that allows natural selection to run its course if the kids fail to solve the local Escape Room.
Someone asked me what is there to look forward to in life after becoming a grandfather. I said, "Smelling like mothballs."
Made a phone call to a young start up company. During the recording of how to reach certain parties, it asked me to follow the extension by pressing the "hashtag" button. I don't think this company will last.
No one cares about the pictures of your Cards Against Humanity round.
It's not acceptable to call 911 when someone eats the last slice of pizza. I know that now.
I just changed my voicemail greeting to “Seriously?”
No one believes your brand new Cubs hat.
The bouncers at all the bars in my town call me Macaulay Culkin because I always go home alone..
No, she is a good woman. However, I don't agree with everything Hillary Clinton stands for or everything she says. Not everything... Not me personally no. -Janet Reno
I've only drank once since I quit drinking an hour ago
Hey .... Anybody know the name of a good Psychiatrist? .... Whoah ... For the loser .... Not for me!! ... The Loser of the American Presidential election.
Well it's official; Reality TV has completely destroyed America
I don't know whether to be angry with or jealous of my facebook friends who seem to have absolutely zero idea that an election took place.
Anyone want to bet we dont see much out of BLM anymore?
I'm a simple man, I see titties I click
I just introduced a guy wearing a hoodie with shorts, to a guy wearing a vest... They're fighting... Umm Wait,, That's actually making out, they're making out.
My favorite dinosaurs were the carbivores... You never hear about them because they went extinct before the others,,, You know cuz,, like all the gluten and such...
#Life tip: if someone comes out of a #bathroom sweating, do not go in that bathroom. 