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Got a little frosting on the iPad and long story short now playing Angry Birds with my tongue. 
It's Friday, Saturday's less hungover neighbor.
Two chicks in one untagged Facebook profile picture? The account belongs to the ugly one.
We all have problems; mine are just more important than yours.
People now a days throw the word love around like its a goddamn frisbee! How are you going to start dating someone and 4 days later post how much you love them? B!tch you dont even know them!
Skinny Chicks that wear long Eyelashes be looking like Mosquitoes'!
So a celebrity can just mention a product on Twitter and then they get them sent to them for free? OVEN MITTS!!!
Decades of vets went out & sacrificed their lives so you can eat a McRib & complain about how much your country sucks.
There are girls complaining that there's no good guys left...Hello.....they are where you left them, IN THE FRIEND ZONE
In order to reach enlightenment, you must Empty Your Mind. Unfortunately, Rick Perry took it literally.
I wouldn't say I'm a Hopeless Romantic, but if we're having a 20 minute conversation about poop, then you might be Wife Material.
Make the little things count. Teach midgets math.
it wouldn't be a second chance if it was the same mistake, it would be a third.
I've failed the mathematics test so many times I lost count.
Never lie to an x-ray technician. They can see right through you.
Women who wear $200.00 perfume obviously are known to have no common scents.
It takes a man to admit he's wrong....it takes a woman to get him to do it.
Gore Vidal's parents set the bar pretty high for baby namin'
My thoughts are strangers with rides and I keep getting in.
The first 10 years of a girl's life is spent playing with barbies & the next 10 years are spent trying to look like one 