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Tweeted ten different puns hoping atleast one would get a Retweet. Alas, no pun in ten did 
has no problem GETTING it together, I just can't KEEP it together
wondering if the dude who went postal back in the day went through the same crap I'm going through today...
According to never-before published medical research, 97.8% of all relationships end while one or more partners is suffering from PMS. The other 2.2% is g@y men breaking up.
Tragedy strikes Honah Lee, Puff the Magic Dragon was found dead by the sea. Not a good start to the year of the dragon.
After years of being called 'behind the times', I've finally got a trendy haircut. Just check out my profile pic on MySpace, losers! (
I gave this guy a sausage and he traded me a seabird... It was then I realized I had taken a tern for the wurst.
FB is turning to be Bravo TV of the internet- too much drama and cat fights!!
Hey Merriweather, since you're ducking Pacquiao you can fight O.J. now!!! Inmate!
Told my son to break up with his cross-eyed girlfriend, I think she was seeing someone else.
“Get off my balcony!!” — What my neighbor used to say to pigeons. Sometimes to me.
Okay....who's responsible for my "poke" finger smelling funny?
Name a dead game show host best known for kissing every woman who appeared on the show. Survey says?
"You'd look pretty crazy without us", said her Eyebrows.
RIP Richard Dawson Family Feud guy
I don't hate anyone enough to want to marry them.
Tell your boss what you really think of him and the truth shall set you free.
Condoms definitely lessen the pleasure but kids kill it altogether.
I got charged with indecent exposure for telling jokes naked at Home Depot. In my defense, “stand up shower” is very misleading.
Kanye West should be coming out with ''Gold Digger'' part 2 anytime now... 