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Don't you just hate it when 9 year olds have a better phone than you.. it's like, who are you gonna call?! Barney? ..Elmo?.. DORA?!? 
Chuk Noris knows everything. Except for one thing. And he knows what it is.
If being sexy was a crime, they would never press any charges against you.
Dear Jack, your Jumbo Deal isn't jumbo enough, Sincerely I'm still hungry !!!
Perhaps right after spending five minutes trying to rub the comma off my keyboard is the time to decide to stop eating over my laptop.
Stephen Hawking announces the biggest mystery in the universe is women. In related news, Tiger Wood's ex-wife bull-dozes a 12 million dollar mansion... I think he might be on to something!
Boy: I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I am comfortably seated. Girl: So what do you do? . Boy:I close my eyes and sleep :) :p
A chick who ask 4 nothin will get Everything.. A chick who ask for Everything will get NOTHIN!! #Attitude-IS-everything -
Hold on, I'm trying to give a f!ck
I think my DVR caught a virus or STD, somehow it recorded Jersey Shore on its own and wont allow me to delete 'em
You gotta hump a few clunkers before you can fondle a ferrari.
Driving through rural Oklahoma in the AM trying to make it home quick to the kids. I'm a country song right now.
Good friends will bail you out of jail. Best friends will be sitting in the cell with you, laughing about how awesome that just was.
if you use the word "chillaxin" your automatically a cornball in my book.
if I took a drink every time Musburger said "Honey Badger", I would have passed out in the 3rd quarter.
The way to a man's heart is about eight inches inside of anything.
I was touched by an angel, inappropriately.
I just clicked to go to games and got this message from Facebook; The server found your request confusing and isn't sure how to proceed.
why is it when you go to a restaurant their radio is never playing the song "ding, fries are done" from family guy?...seems like a catchy tune for a restaurant
You know.. Ive lost so many guy friends by askin a simple question.." Do you have twitter?" 