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"good goin' there einstein" "yeah way to go, einstein!" "nice move, einstein!" - the Einstein family reunion annual softball game 
If work didn't want me spinning right round baby right round like a record baby right round round round then why did they give me a swivel chair?
I read that they are allowing Boy Scouts to be gay.... I thought it had always been mandatory that they were gay?
Don't tell me about struggle! I have to eat my M&M'S without peanuts.
im in a same sex marraige every night its the same sex
Just dropped a cigarette between my car seat & the console & now I know what Courtney Love feels like when she's trying to find a good vein.
There’s one guy still paying for p 0rn out there that supports the entire industry.
I did not pass my gun safety class, so I can only carry at night.
Every fortune cookie should have the phone number of a gym inside it.
I love science too. But not enough to warrant profanity.
From the way these other drivers are acting you'd think they've never seen a lady make a right turn from the left lane.
The saddest bachelor parties are the ones where they didn't realize the girl goes in the cake AFTER it's baked.
I'm not like, a tornado expert or nothing, but if you see one, the general idea is that you run AWAY from it? Storm chasers are suicidal....
If we all became nudists there would be no laundry.
I dreamt I had bought a blackberry. Sigh. These nightmares are really getting worse.
why drunk showers are a bad idea: almost accidentally waterboarded myself. moral of the story: use the buddy system.
Always hide your liquor from your boss, that way you never have to worry about...sharing.
Whenever I want a Klondike bar I just pay for it
Rooney to move to arsenal? With that face, arsenal must be really willing to give up that beautiful football.
"Bellichek, why hast thou foresaken reason & signed Tebow?" — Jesus 