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I love when you go to get a massage and they ask you where it hurts and you start crying cause it's your entire existence. 
there proper etiquette on how long you have to wait for your wife outside of a store before declaring her dead?
B!tch please, life aint that short to have sex on the very first date.
Did you guys know that the little boy from Panic Room was Kristen Stewart? Mind? BLOWN.
It'd be so much easier if you ladies wore @nal beads as necklaces, that way we would know up front you like ass play.
You get into alotta trouble living with a lazy eye, cause no matter how you look at someone, it's always the wrong way.
It is not like I was a productive person before Facebook anyway
I don't hate you, because even hating you would be a waste of my emotions.
I violently vomit when I see anonymoys F-tards that wanna be little kids and insult someone they don't even know. Don't be a puss!
Some women say that giving birth is the single most painful experience one could ever endure.... I just going to assume they have never stepped on a lego in the middle of the night on the way to the bathroom.
They are making a new pirates of the carribean. It's called "Pirates of the Carribean - Curse of We Still Don't Know What the Hell This Movie Is About"
I'd give you a compliment but you'd just tell me how fat you think you are.
A perfect day is everyday I'm spending my life without you.
Over the hill . . . is better than under it
getting tattoos on your face does not cover up ugly....it makes you ugly wit a "F"☞ "FUGLY"....ツ
Probably the lowest point in my life was when I fucked a guy who liked Nickelback. I'll never forgive myself.
Alcohol is never the solution to your problems! But since we're not looking for any solutions but more problems, lets get drunk!
Sex heals. But don't take my word for it. Just ask Marvin Gaye.
just realized who I am.... The Vodka Whisperer
♫♪♫ To the left, to the left. Laying on my side brings my nuts to the left ♫♪♫ 