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Lance Armstrong probably didn't have the balls to admit he was using drugs 
Planning to take my relationship to the next level this Valentine's day but I couldn't find a store that sells wedding rings for cats!
got diagnosed with 12 different mental disorders. my day in a nutshell
Tarantino sounds like a brand of frozen pizzas
I just got out of bed and decided I'd trim that annoying hair on my eyebrow that kept getting in my eye last night... Now I have half an eyebrow
The human eye can distinguish between ten million different colours. But can my wife tell the difference between red and green? Four hundred quid for a new bumper says no....
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance
I'm pretty sure my mailman isn't on the juice...
Manti T'eo just emailed me about some Nigerian money he needs some help with...
taking away a GUN from an American is like taking away a Baguette from a French
To eat or not to eat a Tesco burger? That is equestrian.
If at first you don't succeed... Who am I kidding you never did anything right. You came out backwards and have been screwing up ever since.
Manti Teo's story will be airing on Lifetime and Syfi Channel
FarmersOnly.com. Now there's an alternative to Ancestry.com to meet your cousin
It's true. Girls just want to have fun. And ruin your life in the process.
How does Justin Bieber have almost 33 million followers? It's gotta be vag pics, because she isn't even remotely funny.
who pays for the electric bill for light at the end of the tunnel??
I hate when I’m about to hug someone really sexy and then my face hits the mirror.
Okay "beautiful" girls...be as narcissistic as you wish, yet remember, there was someone named Marilyn Monroe. And I promise you, you do not measure up.
Sometimes I like to go to the dealership, slip into a pair of smart cars and roller skate around the parking lot for three hours. 