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Beginning of relationship- 1) Don’t ever change. 2) You have to change. 3) You’ve changed. -End of relationship- 
"Haha Good one snow.... Good one" *pulls snow aside and whispers* "Seriously dude, knock it off, you're ruining my life"
Welcome to Adulthood Club.... does anyone remember signing up for this crap?
My deepest, darkest secret is that I put my pants on two legs at a time. I feel so alone.
Girl: I’ll just have a salad. Waiter: and for you, sir? Me: I’ll be giving her half of my food
There are only three things in life that are certain: Taxes, Death, and people's belief that anyone cares about the weather where they live.
BOSS: I'm going to need you to get your creative juices flowing. ME: Okay, but I'm going to need to watch some porn first.
How a teenage boy sees food: If there's a lot of something, he won't touch it. If the quantity is limited, he'll eat all of it.
Hillary Clinton was reported as saying, "Ok, but I used Google voice so it was just oral text and that doesn't count"...
How does a cricket know when his joke bombed?
What's the opposite of carpe, because that's what I'll be doing to the day.
Today is national Happy Day. Off to the liquor store I go.
Some serious smack talk in the office today going on between Indian and Sri Lankan Cricket World Cup fans if anyone is wondering what its like working in IT during March Madness.
I don't always get a taste of my own medicine but when I do I wash it down with tequila, hold the lime
It looks like One Direction is headed in another direction
Yesterday we had Earth Hour as a reminder that we all need to take better care of Earth. I would also like to encourage you all to take better care of uranus.
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in their shoes; and then judge them.
Tell me I drink too much so I can drink about that too.
If you love someone, keep drinking
thinks all.strippers must have the same nick name: Daddy Issues 