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My donations to the food driver are bittersweet. I give, but it's canned sliced beets and Beefaroni. 
Everyone knows it's "Private eyes", single clap, "They're watching you", double clap. Now,church choir, for the love of God, get your crap together.
I smothered my first husband with kisses and kept doing it just until the paramedics arrived; then I made it look like I was giving him CPR.
Get over yourself lady, I was smiling at your cat.
I'm sorry for what I called you when you tried to wake me up...
Goals Every College Student Should Accomplish This Summer: 1) Ween myself off coffee. 2) Exercise other than walking to classes. 3) Get onto a sleep cycle similar to that of a human. 4) PARTY!!!!
Bread with peanut butter for breakfast, because who has time for toast.
Oh THAT'S how you put on a seatbelt, thanks Southwest Airlines!!!
Biker gangs are silly to me. What do they do when they get to their destination? Do they all have lunch together? Do they have a destination?
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days.....
"HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN WEARING THAT BRA" The friend replies. EVER SINCE MY WIFE FOUND IT IN THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT.
Thanks to you gender benders, now my kid thinks that women give birth to girls and men give birth to boys.
90% of this vacation is just me staring down seagulls over a plate of food.
So I'm at a bar last night and I see this woman sitting alone. I move in and offer to buy her a drink. She says "Don't waste your time on me. I'm a lesbian." Quick to recover I asked, "Really? So tell me. How are things in Beirut?"
50 lbs of fruit flavored candy must be good for me right?
Never had much use for a knight in shining armor but a fine looking man in a pair of Levis....that's a whole 'nother tale.
Pretended to eat dog food so my dog would want to eat. Not only does he still not want to eat, but pretty sure he lost all respect for me.
I just don't want to look back and think "I could've eaten that'
I saw a sign today at Bob Evans that almost made me pee myself. It said: "Bathrooms closed."
Now that Microsoft had bought LinkedIn, you have even more reason to pretend you know Excel. 