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I've been to jail twice this week. So if you're into bad boys get at me. But not tonight cause I have knitting class. 
Obama's mic drop at the Correspondents' Dinner last night was awesome, but I was disappointed to hear he was at work this morning. Someone should tell him he's doing it wrong.
A relationship without trust is like a phone without service, and what do you do with a phone without service? You play Games!
Dammit, I told you I'd be ready in FIVE minutes so stop calling me every half hour .... Sheeeeesh!
[At the park].... STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking... ME: Yeah, he's interbred... DUCK: [waddles up] I'll tell you who else is into bread?
The only reason the term 'Ladies first' was invented was for the guy to check out the women's ass.
So my drug dealer got me these new shoes. And I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
What if Peter Parker had gotten bit by a radioactive beaver?
Fun Prank Idea: Put Kool-Aid in your friend's shower head. Then, when he or she gets in the shower, set their house on fire.
To those of you still mourning the losses of Prince, David Bowie, and the guy from The Eagles, it's okay. You still have Nickelback.
Joined a gym halfway between work and home, just so I'd have a locker to store snacks in.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling - I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
I worry about ridiculous things. You know, how does a guy who drives a snow plough get to work in the morning? That can keep me awake for days.
Ozzy should not have forgotten to tell Sharon Happy Mothers day
There's this one really stupid cop that's been following me around flashing his lights ..... Doesn't the idiot notice all of the other people on this road driving the wrong way!!!! ...... Sheeeeesh
Sticks and stones may brake my bones ... But names will never hurt me!! ..... Except SLUT ....... The word SLUT really hurts ...
Cryogenics is nothing new. My landlord has been freezing our bodies every winter for years.
Aren't drug dealers just street pharmacists and prostitutes just public wives?
it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn't seem to think so.
Pro Life really just means Pro Being Born... on your own after that. 