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Coffee, Chocolate, Men. Some things are just better rich. 
Dear Burger King, We are not really enticed by the idea you are now selling hotdogs. The weird people you place in your television ads really doesn't help either. Just stick to burgers. Sincerely, Everyone.
All of this "which bathroom to use" debate is ridiculous....why can't we all potty like it's 1999?
Bernie Sanders is so evil for laying all those people off. I guess they can go back to the unemployment line or mom's basement.
A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage.
"You're crazy" = the last resort from a losing opponent.
Anybody have the over/under on the number of bathroom door labels that will be available at the Democratic National Convention?
I've been to jail twice this week. So if you're into bad boys get at me. But not tonight cause I have knitting class.
Obama's mic drop at the Correspondents' Dinner last night was awesome, but I was disappointed to hear he was at work this morning. Someone should tell him he's doing it wrong.
A relationship without trust is like a phone without service, and what do you do with a phone without service? You play Games!
Dammit, I told you I'd be ready in FIVE minutes so stop calling me every half hour .... Sheeeeesh!
[At the park].... STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking... ME: Yeah, he's interbred... DUCK: [waddles up] I'll tell you who else is into bread?
The only reason the term 'Ladies first' was invented was for the guy to check out the women's ass.
So my drug dealer got me these new shoes. And I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
What if Peter Parker had gotten bit by a radioactive beaver?
Fun Prank Idea: Put Kool-Aid in your friend's shower head. Then, when he or she gets in the shower, set their house on fire.
To those of you still mourning the losses of Prince, David Bowie, and the guy from The Eagles, it's okay. You still have Nickelback.
Joined a gym halfway between work and home, just so I'd have a locker to store snacks in.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling - I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
I worry about ridiculous things. You know, how does a guy who drives a snow plough get to work in the morning? That can keep me awake for days. 