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Coworkers, let me know if you'd like to join me for lunch at my desk eating discounted Easter chocolate. 
What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. Except for unicorns, unicorns can kill you.
It turns out that using bowel grease is messier than using elbow grease. Damn dyslexia.
Sorry you're an athiest and have no one to thank it's Friday.
It’s prom time. One year, I had to take my cousin to the prom. I don’t know who was more embarrassed — him or me.
My wife said she bought the lingerie from Victoria Secrets for me, but then got upset when I put it on... I don't get women.
Tax day is just a few days away so get out there and check those dumpster and trash cans for receipts.
Popularity allows you to live with others, but integrity lets you live with yourself.
The Hardy Boys tackle their toughest mystery yet in, "F*cking Run, The Sun Exploded!"
In honor of national siblings day... I wish I would have grown up with money instead of siblings. :)
Actor Wendell Pierce announced he is investing in a $20 million Baltimore apartment complex that will offer homes to artists at a discounted rate. Why is this news if Kanye West and/or the Kardashians aren't involved in some way?
I just assume a woman originally created fire because she was trying to scare away some prehistoric fuckboy who couldn't take a hint.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I've said since then has been sarcastic.
I'm so afraid one of these laws will eventually be passed in a state that a gay person would actually want to set foot in.
Nice to see all the guys who've dumped me 2-3 weeks into us dating be able to make such a strong commitment to Bernie Sanders.
Stairway to Heaven? I'm not going anywhere that is high and doesn't have an elevator.
Here let me drop whats important to me and pay attention to you and all of your needs, Kim Kardashian.
... I like going to my physical checkups eating a mayonaisse jar filled with vanilla pudding and looking at the doctor's face when I tell him I do not have an eating problem.
I make up for the time I've wasted on the Internet by stopping the microwave a few seconds early
It's 420 eve, remember to leave out milk and cookies for snoop dogg. 