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Bernie Sanders got so excited about the hashtag #BoobsForBernie, it's actually a photo of a breastfeeding mother at one of his rallies. Not a Girls Gone Wild Spring Break edition video. 
First rule of Cuddle Club: It better lead to rough sex or you're out of the cuddle club.
Like an old wise man once said, Be like a duck, calm on the surface and paddle like hell underneath....
Think I will get a night job being a cuddler. After 8 hrs the $ex is free. . .
Only if some people knew how silly, stupid and ridiculous they look while holding a selfie stick...
"PROVE IT!!" I yell from the back of the church.
"Like" this if you know someone who is alive today because you are just too darn lazy to kill them....
I always text "I'm on my way", as I'm still naked in bed.
How To Drink A Perfect Martini: 1) Pour gin, vermouth, and olives into....the trash where they belong. 2) Drink whiskey.
The fact that the praying hands are in the top emoji's pretty sums up everyone's 2016 so far.
I'll never understand why cartoon pictures of the sun always depict it wearing sunglasses. What exactly would it be protecting its eyes from?
"Your word is 'ouija'" -could you use that in a seance?
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will track you down and you will pay. You have my Word.
I wholeheartedly support #Nationalnappingday as a member of #allsleepmatters
Starting today, I will stop drinking for good. Now I drink for evil.
As your new car parallel-parks itself, use both hands to wave goodbye to pu$$y
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job or bills to pay.
Yawning is your body's way of saying 20% battery remaining.
Losing my mind wasn't enough? Gotta lose weight too?
Inspirational Quote For Today: You cannot make everyone happy, you're not a pizza. 