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Has anyone else noticed that the sign "&" looks like a man dragging his butt across the floor? 
What?!?! When you miss someone's call but you call them back in 0.44735624 seconds and they don't answer.
Guns don't kill people, Dads with pretty daughters kill people.
96% of online doctors on websites say your good grammar is essential so they can properly diagnose your medical problem.
That moment when you realize you might have made a mistake letting your 5 year old watch The Walking Dead....
Fact: The universe is made up of protons, neutrons, electrons and morons.
So it's Hump Day and it isn't raining or snowing, does that mean it's a Dry Hump Day?
Yesterday I told my wife to embrace her mistakes. She cried and then she hugged me. FML.
Jack Daniels gives you the courage to talk to attractive women, disables your genitals.
An estimated 26.2 percent of Americans suffer from a diagnosable mental disorder. This figure translates to 57.7 million people. When they count Hillary's votes and they total 57.7 million don't say that I didn't call that...
Where was this Mitt Romney during the last general election? Had he been like this he would be running for re-election this time
I never want to go bungie jumping. Broken rubber brought me into this world, and I don't want to give it a chance to take me out.
You don't know what you have until it's gone. For example, toilet paper.
Bernie Sanders got so excited about the hashtag #BoobsForBernie, it's actually a photo of a breastfeeding mother at one of his rallies. Not a Girls Gone Wild Spring Break edition video.
First rule of Cuddle Club: It better lead to rough sex or you're out of the cuddle club.
Like an old wise man once said, Be like a duck, calm on the surface and paddle like hell underneath....
Think I will get a night job being a cuddler. After 8 hrs the $ex is free. . .
Only if some people knew how silly, stupid and ridiculous they look while holding a selfie stick...
"PROVE IT!!" I yell from the back of the church.
"Like" this if you know someone who is alive today because you are just too darn lazy to kill them.... 