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Girls spend 20 minutes eating dinner and 40 figuring out who owes what. 
My kid's new teacher asked me to describe his personality so I just videotaped me crying and taking shots of Vodka.
I just want a man who will hold my hair back while I start fires.
I'm the only person in the world that gets the flu and gains 10 lbs...
One of the rare feelings of happiness in this world is not to feel your stalker's existence.
Wifey just text to say she's landed and is looking forward to a romantic dinner and some lovin' tonight. Wonder where she's going?
Just saw the trailer for "Noah." I hear The Book is better.
I've completely replaced sex with food. I had a mirror installed over my dining room table.
I got married so that I can be autocorrected even when my phone is off.
There was a fire at the clock factory today. Several people died from second hand smoke.
He died doing what he loved...failing to read my mind.
My wheel mouse just hit 100,000 miles without an oil change. . .
That funny moment when you are checking yourself out in the window of another car and realize there’s someone inside.
Buy her a time machine, because women love bringing up the past.
If I owned a copy store I would only hire identical twins.
911 operator what's your emergency" "Are ya'll hiring?"
forget Mardi Gras....for me every Tuesday is a fat Tuesday
The way you're bashing your laptop keyboard is how your life is going.
Kanye West they should have vacuum sealed you, you would have lasted longer
X says Well, it's easy to tell I'm single. It's Friday night and I'm at home updating my facebook status... 