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When a pizza guy comes to my door I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him with an empty pizza box then insist that he called me 
I live with fear every day.....sometimes she lets me go fishing!
Guys will never win an argument with their girl. You think you won and 3 hours later she comes back for round 2.
Baseball was made for kids, and grown-ups only screw it up. ~Bob Lemon
A serial killer, that only targets couples in matching outfits.
When you're dead, you don't know you're dead and it's only painful and difficult for others. The same thing applies to when you're stupid...
9 minutes ago Should I buy halloween candy or pay off my mortgage?
Looking for originality her e is like looking for a virgin in a wh0rehouse.
I never imagined adulting would involve so much crying while eating ice cream.
At what age do you get to start falling asleep in every chair you sit in?
And then her mood ring just...exploded
Slept alone last night. Very nice. You would be surprised how many girls snore.
SOB...Get me a drink
Taking care of your drunk friends inadvertently prepares you to be a father or mother.
Not now kids. I'm managing my online empire.
UGGS, The winter equivalent of Crocks. You approach me with Uggs, I'll assume you're a mental patient.
There are those that I would like to take a shower with, those that I wouldn't, and those that I'd like to see take a shower with my toaster.
"Luke, I am your father." - Darth Vader, after Luke won the lottery.
2 days ago: ''We must help solve poverty here first and foremost!'' Today: ''All right! Black Friday is coming!''. Morons
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been..." "Ma'am, please just vote and exit the booth! 