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It's easy to pick out Charlie Sheen's kid in school. He's the only kid who crushes and snorts his Flintstone's chewable vitamins. 
I hope all of the ladies out there get to be with the man of your memes.
I don't use alcohol as a crutch. It's more like a motorized wheelchair.
I like my women like I like my sentences, without periods!
Ever think about an old friend and wonder what they're doing right now? They're playing on their phone. Everyone is playing on their phone!
I wonder if anyone's kids had their first day of school today?
What's the inside temperature of a Tauntaun? Luke warm.
I heard that breathing can give you cancer.
I asked my cat if I'm passive aggressive and she ignored me. I hope I don't forget to feed her tonight.
“The man who fears losing has already lost.”
You know a girl is a keeper if she picks the iron when she's playing Monopoly.
I am strongly opposed to a representational democracy.... AND I VOTE!
Man, just think how crazy Gollum goes on the 5th day of Christmas.
Nothing motivates me faster to clean my garage than the threat of a hail storm.
When your surrounded by enemies the only thing to do is pull the pin on your grenade and smile!
Your feet & the inside of your car tell me everything about a woman.
If my mom taught me anything, it’s how to day drink.
According to WebMD, there's no cure for you're dead to me
I was devastated when I got a text from my "GF" telling me I was crap in bed.It's ok though, turns out she got the wrong number.
about as thug as a box of de-clawed kittens. 