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I just joined a 12 step program.. Its starts @ the bar an ends at my car! 
I got 99 doughnuts cause a bitch ate one.
Are you a robot? So why do you keep doing what people tell you and expect you to do?
BREAKING: Florida Highway Patrol is reporting a mass exodus of toddlers hitchhiking to get the hell out of Florida.
When waiting for the repairman in the 8:00 a.m. - 5:00 p.m. window that the moment you step outside or run the vacuum cleaner that they call?
Facebook = Star Wars, Twitter = Empire Strikes Back, Google+ = Return of the Jedi. MySpace = Stupid prequels.
Tech has ruined my ability to spell! Now when I'm typing a multi-syllable word & that red squiggly line DOESNT appear, I start questioning the intellect of my computer. Saying I just assume the spelling of that word is wrong, so wheres the red oh wise one
When some of these big girls wear them high heels, they should also put a warning sign thats says; "CAUTION: ABNORMAL LOAD"
in most cases you can remove 90% of a girls "beauty" with a wet Kleenex
Just because you have one doesn't mean you have to act like one
men, take care of your wives. Cause if you dont there are plenty of guys that will.
OK-all those that believe in psyco kinesis raise my hand
Who ever decided that a 1" mars bar should be called fun size must be stupid .. seriously .. when is anything that is only 1" long fun. I mean come on, you need at least half a dozen to fulfil your needs
That rather uncomfortable moment when you see a really really really ugly person and you thank god that the person can't read minds.
I just thought of an airtight alibi, now I just have to come up with a worthy crime...
You can't win. I'm better at this than you are.
My phone automatically wants to check me into every bar we pass! I guess this thing really is a smartphone.
Neighbor asked if I knew anything about the clothes that were missing from his clothesline. I was so nervous I almost crapped his pants.
Whenever someone posts something like, “Just went on a massive friend-deleting spree!,” I'm never quite sure whether to feel like a winner for making the cut or a loser for having friends lame e
I am all for small talk but that does not mean you can initiate a chat with me and bore me to death. 