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I haven't spent a dime feeding my pet python since I found the "Free Kitten" section on "Craigslist". 
Just found a new app that tells you which of your friends are family are racist, it is called facebook.
For every illegal that crosses, we send 2 nigs back. Mexico will build their own wall in about 2 weeks.
Can we stop calling Obama the first black president, he makes Bryant gumball look like flavor flav, my nipples are darker than this guy.
NASCAR - Non Athletic Sports Centered Around Rednecks
Thanks to '50 Shades of Grey', my wife's Kindle now smells like 50 cans of tuna.
Know how to tell when a woman says something smart? When she starts her sentence with "Once a man told me"
They were Towel Heads after all....stick THAT in your Hookah libs.
If you voted for OBAMA to let people know your not a rascist, Then vote Republican to let people know your not an idiot !!!
anyone else addicted to Pawn Stars because they misrerad the title the first time they turned it on???
Somebody needs to start a restaurant called "Chick-Fil-Atheist" that's only open on Sunday.
Seriously, there's a fine line between tan and looking liked you rolled around in Doritos.
News of Whitney Houston's death travelled with such speed. When I heard I couldn't help but crack up with emotion. She was a real heroin. It's such a blow. She really made a hash of things though.
...Wyclef Jean disqualified for Haitian Presidency. Hey, that's no fair! If we elected an unqualified black man, why can't they?
We'll be corporate slaves in no time… if we vote for Rom ney 2012
God dammit Obama. Quit sneaking into my house hiding the TV remote. Go back to destroying Merica and leave me alone.
You had me at "can't wait until Obama isn't president anymore"
Dont cry poor to me--- as you update your status from your I-Phone!!
I'm a lonely Status. I wish more people liked me.
They should serve watermelons at every place in the world that has chicken on their menu. 