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right now am kinda having that "awkward moment when Robert Green asks you to play catch with him!!! ಠ_ಠ !" 
which kind of vinegar must your bath towel smell like until you actually get a clean one?
I was an accountant from the age of twenty to the age of thirty before I was sacked for no apparent reason. What a waste of fourteen years.
usually enjoys Black Friday shopping after he's eaten a heapin' helping of baked beans and broccoli.
when I become CEO of Subway emploees will no longer be called sandwich artists the will be sub humans
Did jay-z call beyonce feyonce after he proposed?
Does anyone else worry that when you doodle, youll accidently scrawl an arcane symbol in a dead language and summon a demon from the netherworld? No? Just me then..
Ladies; He may need a soft place to land when he falls, but it helps if that soft place is also tight and wet.
I was wrapped so tight in my sleeping bag I turned into a butterfly.
Women, will you PLEASE tell your breasts to stop staring at my Eyes!? It's very offputting! How Rude!
I just want a girl who'll sin with me all week long and then sit next to me at bible study on Sunday.
In celebration of turning a year older, I'll be wearing my birthday suit all day.....so just make sure that's my HAND you're shaking at church tomorrow!
If Kal-El, son of Jor-El had landed in Jamaica instead of in Kansas, he would be known as 'Supermon'.
Don't worry about where I got the tennis ball shooter. Do you want to fill it with meatballs and fire it at fat kids or not?
There is nothing a drunk me and some bullets can't fix.
Jail Me Elmo , Just in time for the Holiday season, " Hello My Name is Elmo , Can you say Incarcerated?"
Now that we have a cease fire in Gaza, I wish Obama would send Clinton to work on the Hostess/Twinkie mess....
I finally met someone that used the words, "Cray, Cray". Where do I put the body? My yard is full.
Life has no remote. You have to get up and change it yourself.
Told a girl to make me a sandwich & she was like "go away, sexist idiot!". Cool but telling me I'm sexy doesn't make me less hungry. 