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happy fathers day dad, I hope you found that pack of cigarettes you left to get a long time ago 
Why do huge people by tiny cars? They look like they couldn't find clothes to fit, so they're wearing a car.
I have a job. Still cant afford healthcare.
The cats puke looks pretty much exactly like normal cat food. I wonder if they would notice if I just put it back in their bowl?
After a week in Miami, I realize it's not the heat, it's the stupidity…
Welcome to Chik-Fila, doesn't really matters what you all protest for, as long as you EAT MORE CHICKEN!!
I think I'm emotionally constipated, cause I haven't given a sh!t in days.
since the world is ending tomorrow you should send pictures of your breasts now before it's too late
Ladies, lets face facts, the only real guy friends without ulterior motives are g@y.
If one more person calls me dramatic, I swear to Christ I'm going to burn the world down.
at least my imaginary girlfriend doesn't nag about all my masterbating...
Next time your bf/gf get mad attach a cape around their neck and say "Now you're super mad!" If they laugh...marry them...
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were an expert on my life and how I should live it. Please continue while I take notes.
What appears to be an inherent characteristic applicable to all human beings is the unfathomable tendency to resort to choosing that which they know is inadvertently the worst for them.
This girl just gave me her number but it's only 6 digits. I am not sure if she's playing games or just retarded.
You are an absolutely amazingly wonderful person and I'm thoroughly frustrated at my inability to help you to recognize that fact.
It's easier to look for one's inner beauty when the person isn't covered in ugliness.
Does anybody else automatically say "Ow!" out of habit, whenever something they are holding bumps something else?
Marriage is less about biting your partner's lip and more about biting your own.
If voting really mattered, politicians would try to make it illegal. 