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I'm not watching the Olympics, but I've seen Cool Runnings, so like, I get it. 
If you didn't hump Christina Ricci... then you're doing Wednesday wrong.
I always wanna take the waitress home with me and give her a tip there.
Dear Google, Stop making stupid doodles to f**k with the productivity of the employees of other offices.
I seriously need to get out of the house. Unless some generous woman with alcohol is coming over for sex. In that case I seriously need to stay home.
BEST ADVICE: Stick to One-Night-Stands, The biggest cause of marriage is dating.
if every guy was like me there would be a lot of happy women out there
Your soulmate is out there. Crying in their car, listening to 90s rap while you waste your life with people you don't even like.
Don't forget it's Throwback Thursday. If they're not loving and treating you right, throw'em back into the sea!
I had no idea Instagram was down until a girl in front of me at Starbucks cancelled her order, saying "Instagram is down it's useless"
Friday is like the bacon of the work week salad, and yes, Monday is like the brown lettuce
Bad things happen when you try to multitask with a single task brain.
My favorite meal of the day is beer.
Thinks being a responsible adult is way overrated.
Well I can't be an optimistic if my blood type is " B NEGATIVE "
You don`t have to drink to have fun... Just have fun drinking!
Ah facebook, bringing the drama of the outside world straight to your home computer.
Stupidity comes in all shapes, sizes, flavors and colors.
Why is a newspaper ten times more interesting when the person across the aisle is reading it?
Insomnia is a glamorous term for 'thoughts you forgot to have in the day.' 