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I want to get a racehorse named "my face" just so I can hear people shouting "come on my face!" 
My wife's always walking into things and getting hurt. Yesterday it was our bedroom while I was fu*king her sister.
Since when do Catholics care about contraception? Alter boys can't get pregnant..
Shut up unless you want your next period to come out through your nose.
Saw my Sri Lankan friends slurping tea out of a saucer this morning. When I asked why, they said because the Indians took the cup :D
Joe B. to wife: I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
If I'm winning, stop the count. If I'm losing, Keep counting until I win. Makes sense, don't ya think?
I hate when girls photoshop their pictures so much that black girls are actually white!
Cinco De Mayo, the only day Mexicans are glad they are Mexican and celebrate for a country they were so eager to leave. So since if you aren't a Mexican today just drink like one!!!
Feels sorry for skinny people, I know this girl who is so skinny that she has to run around in the shower just to get wet....
WOW!! Apparently Osama is dead and it had to happen during Obama's campaign year for the 2012 president.....oh, and they dumped his body in the ocean 2 HOURS after he died.............coincidence???? I think not!!!
I bought a Joe B¡den watch on QVC. I has liver spotted hands and is running out of time.
Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, Gays are from UrAnus
Why did the blackman buy a old police car ??....So he could sit in the front for a change...
Sarah Palin has a new reality TV show. Now all she has to do is enter reality.
trying to think whether i've been naughty or nice this year but the screaming slaves in my basement are distracting me.
While reading graffiti on a bathroom stall, at a truck stop... It dawned on me, rednecks created Twitter years ago!
Give a man a fish, he will eat. Give a man religion, he will serve praying for a fish to eat.
I'm sure all the cold water dumping videos have just about cured cancer...
I'm pretty sure Subway sandwiches increase in value after the sandwich artist dies. 