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[medusa's hotel maid, sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain] 
Just ate a cheese stick wrapped in salami that I bought from 7-11 but I still feel like I deserve God's love.
It's almost Labor Day, so get out there and celebrate the sacrifice of others by drunk driving a boat.
Female gladiators are known as gladiolas.... Trust me, I'm a gladiatorian.
Ran out of mix an hour ago....drinking this rum straight out of the bottle like a BOSS!!!
If every day is a gift, I want a refund for the crappy ones.
Angelina Jolie has had her breasts removed, her ovaries removed, her Fallopian tubes removed....and a large Pitt.
In this day of age of lawsuits and political correctness it is wise to add "Allegedly" at the end of any accusations you make.
Let the arguments begin! Oh, debate? We're calling this a debate? Ok, my bad.
I just apologized to a bug for killing it and I instantly became a Canadian citizen.
It would be cool if Ariana Grande were really fat.
Boss makes a dollar, while I make a dime. That's why I poop, on company time.
"That's the spirit!" she said, picking her poltergeist out of a police lineup.
easier to get into than a community college!
Well folks.. Did you pray about the election? If you believe in god, there you have it. God loves Democrats more.
Kanye West has a pair of $90,000 shoes and he still can't figure out why people hate him.
Why does Obama give his speeches behind bulletproof glass? Just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot anybody/
a mystery you'll never solve
save a horse, ride a chupacabra
Whenever I get a phone call that reads, "Unknown Name" on the caller ID, I have to resist the urge to answer, "Mitchell's Abortion Clinic, you make it, we scrape it, no fetus will beat us. How can I help you today?" 