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These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs” 
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I dookie anymore
Walking around mutterin' "Damn kids" while turning down the thermostat. The Walking Dad
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
It was a mistake Friending you and I wont make it again
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
I'd like to give a big shoot-out to the Earps and the Clantons
If my wife ever comes back as a ghost, the message written on my bathroom mirror in blood will be PUT THE TOILET SEAT DOWN
If by "cruches" you mean the sound potato chips make when I eat them, then yes, certainly I do crunches
Maybe someone should tell Bowflex we don't want our living room smelling like a gym.
The difference between broccoli and boogers. Kids won't eat broccoli.
My birthday is 9 months after my dad's. You learn to live with it.
The reason people like dogs is because dogs wag their tails instead of their tongues
All I'm saying is grape juice is just underachieving wine.
I got so high ,I had to turn down the TV because I couldn't taste my Macaroni and Cheese .
I do not want to go bungee jumping. I came in this world because rubber broke, I don't want you to go out the same way. 