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Locust swarms. Killer ninja murder hornets. Virus pandemics. You were complaining about Christmas music 
I wonder if the offers I had as a kid, "slap you into next year" still stands.
I'm a genius when you agree with me. I'm an ass when you disagree with me. I'm inconsistant when you don't understand me. I'm all things to all people.
For some reason I have a feeling that I might have told you this joke about Deju Vu before.
I hope my retirement home has a jam room and decent studio
seems to care less about trees when I'm drying my hands in a public bathroom.
My ex girlfriend had this really weird fetish... She liked to dress up as herself and act like a total bitch.
Opinions are like orgasms. Mine's more important, and I don't give a fuck if she has one or not.
You kids complain about everthing.....You want to know how bad I had it? I'm so old the "Diaper Man" used to come to our house to take the sh#tty diapers away and bring back "clean ones" that really some other kid had sh it in!
Next year I want me some Pilgrims and Indians at my Thanksgiving meal. I'm tired of this family experience.
it doenst matter where you click on the ad you will step on the roach
You wouldn't feel the need to talk about your beauty if you already know you are beautiful.
Valet parking is just Canadian car jacking.
Before telling your woman a PMS joke, you should assure she does not currently have PMS.
Any girls in a relationship; please write something.
How do you explain stupid to a stupid person?
Advice is a bitter medicine, which is more blessed to give than to receive.
My life is a very complicated drinking game.
How single people will be celebrating Valentines Day: Sobbing, drinking alone, writing suicidal notes, calling their ex's, resenting happy couples, or enjoying every minute of not having to give a flying f*ck.
Being a grown-up is stupid....let's build a tree house and throw water balloons at people. 