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"Alexa, Get me a divorce." 
Tough Monday today so I consulted my spirit guide.
He led me right to the Vodka.
Total Mind Reader!!!
Ladies; If he doesn't want to watch you masturbate he's not that into you....or girls
Never laugh at your wife's choices. You're one of them.
Okay buddy if you want to sit behind me and honk your horn for waving someone ahead of me at four-way stop sign then I think I'll do the polite thing and wave the next five cars on while I update my current status.
Finally got around to filling out my bracket yesterday and guess what? perfect bracket so far
Sometimes I think I'm an intelligent person and other times I want to get married.
Want to know the secret to happiness? Deactivate your Facebook account like people used to take the phone off the hook.
Beer is now cheaper than gas. Don't drink and drive.
I don't know why but I always end up making just a little bit too much spaghetti for myself to eat. Anyways, if anyone's hungry come on over. And bring like five friends.
*first day as a cloning scientist *first day as a cloning scientist *first day as a cloning scientist *first day as a cloning scientist *first day as a cloning scientis
Her: I want you to leave me breathless Me: *hides her inhaler
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
I’ve been hit on by a number of women. That number is zero.
Literally held in a sneeze because I was giving my wife the silent treatment and I didn't want her to bless me.
Are there any good songs out there about life being a highway and about riding it all night long?
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
me: [using doggie poop bag at park] stranger: nice to see some common courtesy here for once me: yeah wouldn't want anyone to step in it stranger: what's your dog's name me: dog? 