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Boobs are like the sun, you can take a quick look but it's dangerous to stare. 
We’ll continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself.
National meatball day. A day in the honor of David Dennison
pi day & hump day....it must be "Jason Biggs day"
A confessional booth is a glory hole for secrets.
every girl like to be swept of her feet,.... its when you put her in the trunk that she freaks out.
I often wonder what tomatoes🍅 did to make the other fruits 🍇🍐🍊🍌to disown them and force them to live as vegetables🤔
Pizza grease is my essential oil.
I'm okay with knowing that no one thinks I am as funny as I know I am.
I panicked when they asked me to come up with a cool and sexy stripper name. So if you head over to the strip club, ask for Deborah.
Fun Fact: The Simpsons are 31 years old. They made their first debut 4/19/87 on the Tracey Ullman show.
Nothing like an old high school crush finding you & friending you on Facebook because he needs cows or some crap for Farmville
Ever stare dumbfoundingly at someone wondering how they ever had an opportunity to actually procreate?
[lava kids playing in a volcano] "the floor is linoleum!"
Sometimes I watch football holding an X-Box controller just to confuse people.
I identify as being "rich", but when the check comes, I'm identified as "not being so".
The joke's on you, internet cookies. I clicked that ad you keep showing by accident!
Neymar has great potential to become a Hollywood star for performing art.
Why is it so hard to get the sticky label off of a new non-stick frying pan?
My bar buddy ask me have you ever made a decison without knowing all the information you needed to know? I said sure I have..... I got married. 